Friday, January 16, 2015

Why a Princess Should Never Live in a Bachelor Pad

Recently I went to stay at a friend's house for a few days.  My husband was out of town on business for the week and since I had cancer surgery a few years ago, he feels more comfortable if I have someone checking in on me in case I feel a weak spell. We have a close friend of the family who is a nurse, so I went to stay with him for a few days.  He went to work each day and I was left alone in his house.  Although I appreciate having some "just in case" help, there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed and being in your own home.  I realized by the first morning of my visit that you should NEVER put a princess in a bachelor pad.

The following are a list of texts that I sent to a friend each morning:

PRINCESS LOG DAY 1 OF CAPTIVITY:  I awoke at 5:30 AM to the sound of an alarm that I can only imagine is the replica of what guards Ft. Knox...only this goes off longer.  This was soon followed by strobe lights reflecting on all the walls of my room for nearly an hour.  The last time I was here, I woke my friend because I thought cops were on his lawn doing a drug bust on a vehicle or something.  Turns out that every school bus in the county turns on this corner to go to the school a block away, so all the lights from the buses go through the room and there are no blinds on the windows.  I stumbled into the bathroom after my friend's 35 minute shower and the floor was flooded and every surface soaked.  The TV has been blaring but at least it blocks out most of the sound of the rooster that lives next door.  I'm definitely not a morning person.

This is in the living room.
PRINCESS LOG DAY 2 OF CAPTIVITY:  The Ft. Knox alarm didn't go off today but I was awakened by the pitter patter of ratty old slippered feet scooting around in circles in a half-asleep zombie walk outside my doorway.  The reused tape holding cardboard in the windows gave way so the bus strobes were in full effect.  Disco party in my room tomorrow 6 AM! BYOB! The A/C was on last night because of the humidity. My friend turned on the heat this morning prior to his 35 minute shower.  Between the shower steam and the heater vent blowing on me from directly above my face, I melted off three pounds before getting out of bed.  Yesterday I found a packet of "spicy cock flavor" Jamaican soup in the pantry (pic to follow).  This makes me wonder two things: 1. Why does he like THAT flavor? 2. What exactly is "artificial" cock flavor??  Well, at least I know that rooster next door won't be waking me in the morning tomorrow!
This is a thing?
PRINCESS LOG DAY 3 OF CAPTIVITY:  The bachelor padness of my prison is becoming more and more apparent. More specifically, this house has no chairs.  There are bench seats with the kitchen table but everything is covered in papers and boxes and junk.  There's a small couch in the living room but the cushions are flat and the wooden edge digs into your legs unless you keep your legs up.  I don't open the frig cause it smells funny.  I mentioned it and he said he'd have his mom clean it when she visits next month.  I'm eating cold mac and cheese straight out of a can for breakfast.  This is no place for a spoiled princess.  I'm packing. 

So Bored!

PRINCESS LOG DAY 4: I broke free of my captivity last night and came home.  WHY HAVE I BEEN AWAKE SINCE 5:45 AM???  The cat is pissed at my disappearance.  Last night she laid on the blanket between my legs like a paperweight.  She hasn't let me out of her sight.  I think I've been forced into a new prison of feline captivity.  Operation Kitty Kibble Distraction is in the works! *Runs around the house screaming SANCTUARYYYYYY!!!*

*I do appreciate my friend keeping an eye on me.  This is just meant for humor and was written each day as my cure for boredom.
Now back to our regularly scheduled Disney Blog stuff!

No comments:

Post a Comment